- I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
- If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Should you Boycott shampoo! & Demand the REAL poo!
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- Does killing time damage eternity?

hilarious!!!!

- If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
- Is The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- How can someone "draw a blank"?
- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- So what's the speed of dark?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?